i don't want to wake up in the morning

Fuck you Alex Russell I don't give a shit who reads this

this is a lot for me to deal with in one night

Video of the song I wrote and posted the lyrics to last night

Most recent song I've written. Video soon

The Real Thing

Too many people too many places too many familiar faces
I wish I didn’t know a single one of you
And you all think that I’ve succumb to your energy
But you have yet to see the best of me
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing
Where do you draw the line between a lesson learned and a waste of time
I’d say the point where I’m repeating my mistakes
So sick of arms around me
Begging me to tell a lie
Go find a pretty girl
To sing you a lullaby
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing
Failed Decisions
Switching Positions
Making revisions of past mistakes
One good go is all it takes
This is the moment with the highest stakes
we could make it
But we’ll probably break it
I can only try so many times to fake it
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing

yumpyump

ok. this time im actually going to santa cruz tomorrow
i need to sleep i have to get up early
story of my life
i need to switch my laundry
set my alarm
charge my camera
wait for this video to finish uploading
switch my laundry
im going to santa cruz tomorrow

ehhh

not the best version but the only one that youtube uploaded successfully. This is the full version of A wish by Gregory and The Hawk. I just recorded "Isabelle" tonight by Gregory and the Hawk. I need to get some variety...whatever im fine for now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU2JqyPEdRI

Wow

Fuck you

fail

so i tried recording A Wish by Gregory and the Hawk, and I did it, but instead of deleting the shitty version that I stopped after like less than 30 seconds I deleted the good version where I did the whole song. haha. it figures. here's the shitty less than 30 second version
joyous

I am a very tired beast

So now the beast is going to bed
Goodnight, Toast.

I used to read all the time
I had no friends
So I'd go to the gym all day and run
and I'd read while I ran
I read hundreds of pages a day
I also slept then, usually
I also breathed then, usually
I still breathe
It's just a different kind of breathing now

I just got to talk to Celina on Skype, and I really miss her.
She lives in Scotland now. I don't know the time difference. It's probably lunch time for her. Something normal like that.
I wish I wasn't still awake

I have a colorful personality

I still don't know what I'm wearing tomorrow
I haven't done my laundry in 2 weeks
Tomorrow I will wear a paper bag
and a shower cap
In case it rains

These are my long socks
Bedtime socks and shitty ankles

I am going to put long socks on and go to bed soon

1 goldfish...2 goldfish...5,000 goldfish...I just ate so many goldfish. the cracker kind not le animal kind

I have no idea how I got this bruise but I think it was when I fell out of the car last night

"Sometimes I could see how cutting an ear off might be the most productive and satisfying thing to do."--Deb Talan, Vincent

shit, I really should be wearing my retainer
shitshitshit

"It feels like the tomorrow I worried about in yesterdays today."
I was mad cool person
SECRETS OUT!
Hahahaha, no one who reads this knows what I'm talking about.
Who reads this?
No one.
Right.
No one knows what I'm talking about.
I just inadvertently called you no one.
I AM MAD COOL PERSON
I'm also loopy
bet you wish you were here to see me now
see me and not touch me
because you'll never touch me
while you're with her.

Wait I'm getting dressed 10 times today! And even though it still feels like Saturday because it's dark and I haven't slept, it's Sunday really, so I better start now.

My hair is straight now
I really have no reason to be awake anymore

My Current Playlist

Explode--Uh Huh Her
Isabelle--Gregory and The Hawk
Ithaka--Deb Talan
Boats and Birds--Gregory and the Hawk
Wild Horse--Deb Talan
A Wish--Gregory and the Hawk
Vincent--Deb Talan

who cares
heyyyyy

I use foot lotion as eye make-up remover
that's what gives them this green color
that's my secret

did he drop them off? maybe
I haven't seen them
I didn't look
I'm worried to look
In case they aren't there
I really screwed up
wow i really should have called him back before 1:45 AM came around
he called me Friday and now even though it's dark and feels like Saturday it's Sunday

i forgot all my kaleidoscopes i was supposed to make over the weekend at work. that was dumb, and a huge hassle for my boss. I think he said he'd drop them off today. I never called him back, I should have called him back, and now I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about a lot of things

Random Google Image Search of the day

BABY BANJO!

Tonight, I'm getting beauty sleep.

When they say beauty sleep, they're talking about the nights you stay awake until morning trying to make yourself look beautiful for the next day.

I wrote 5 blog entries one after the other exactly a minute apart. I didn't realize I was doing that.
I spent so much time thinking about what to write for tomorrow that much more than a minute passed
It's much easier to think about today and yesterday then it is to think about tomorrow, isn't it.

Tomorrow I'm going get dressed 10 times.

Today I spent 189 dollars on flannel.

Yesterday I got to eat a family dinner.

I want to make spongebob Macaroni and cheese. I just want Tessa to come over. Actually I want both

It's 12:59. In one minute I get to take my crest white strips off my teeth.
Best moment of my day

Yeah, I deleted my facebook. Just thought I'd tell you. Spare you from asking.
I cut off my phone service. Just thought I'd tell you. Spare you from calling.
Not that you'd ask
Or call
Not that I care
At all
Right.

Yesterday, I mistreated my liver.

Today, my phone got stolen in Urban Outfitters.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Santa Cruz.

I read what you write
And I know you don't write about me, but
I read it as if it's directed and me, and
I think of how your words could pertain to me, so
I can read and think I know
And I know you don't write about me, but
I read what you write
I read it as if it's directed at me, and
I write
I read
I think, about
How I want you to think of how my words could pertain to you
Read it as if it's directed at you, and
I wonder if maybe you do.

You think I'm interested
When you flex
Flatter
Speak
Swoon
You think I'm riveted
By your swagger
Seductions
Attributes
Attention
You think I like you
Your jokes
Justifications
Edge
Excuses
You're just another
Face
Filter
Fuck
You're just one more
Distraction
Digression
Dud
You're just another like the one before
The one during
The one after
I'm just another like the one before
The one during
The one after
And you want me
I don't
Want me to want you
I don't
I want to want you
And I don't
I wish I wasn't
I wish you weren't
Just another like the one before
During
After
And we're just another
Flex
Flatter
Speak
Swoon
Swagger
Seduction
Attribute
Attention
Joke
Justification
Edge
Excuse
Face
Filter
Fuck
Distraction
Digression
Dud
And we're just like the one before
The one during
And the one after
I wish we weren't
Just another.

GUESS WHAT

I have a wedgie
I need to clean my room
Not much has changed

you know that feeling when you hurt so bad you can't move
I hope not.
i'm not even really that angry at you. i'm not even really that angry at her.
i'm angry because you are the only fuckin person who can make me feel like this, who can make me like this
so pathetic
seriously, so incredibly pathetic.
I am can't sleep can't eat can't think pathetic
i am dropped 15 pounds pathetic
nah not in one night
tonight i've just fallen apart
but i've been breaking
people who love me, they ask me why i'm losing
my cool
weight
sleep
over this shit
they ask me why i'm losing
my mind
strength
pound after pound, night after night
fight after fight
they ask me why i'm losing
and god damn it they're right
this is so stupid
i'm not even angry at you, not angry at her
but seriously, why the hell do i give a shit to this point
of being so dramatic, so pathetic
this is so lame
really fuck you i'm really sick of being this lame
fuck blog privacy
this will be that one entry
i think no one will ever read
and then it'll be read
by everyone
nah, not even, doesn't even need to be everyone
just needs to be you, yeah, you're that person who'd read this
and i'd be like, wow, i'm so stupid, i really should have followed my own rule of keeping my blog light
and private
and evasive
so that one person who reads it
doesn't know who or what i'm talking about
well congratulations!
Today it's you!
Actually most days its you!
And sometimes it's not!
But today it definitely is!
And most days it definitely is!
and you'll probably never read this shit
you never read this shit
but you know, now that i said that you will
I'm going to post this, keep it posted, not delete it
I'M GOING TO BE AWKWARDLY PUBLIC AND IF I AM MAKING ONE OR MORE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE BY DOING SO INCLUDING MYSELF THEN I AM GOING TO MAKE ONE OR MORE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE BY DOING SO INCLUDING MYSELF
and i'm fucking out of my mind nuts and i know you love me. i know
And I really really love you and i'm so fuckin angry
not at you, not even at her
i'm just so fuckin angry that you are the only fuckin person
who can make me feel this way
how's that for a blog entry

Song i wrote

here's another song I wrote :)
i'll post a video soon

She looks cute
In her pictures
I bet she’s real nice
It’s still dumb
That you met her
And you’ve made out with her twice
What sucks about that statement
Is that probably by now
You’ve done a whole lot more than kiss her
Too many times to count

Well maybe she will spare your sheets because she’ll never spill
And maybe she sleeps like an angel without any benedryll
I bet she doesn’t flip out when she loses her retainer
And you don’t need psychological testing to tell you who is saner
I won’t say I can’t go on without you
Cuz I will, I’m not that lame
And even though it makes no sense
I love you just the same

I tell myself
That you need this
And even though I know I’m worth it
I can’t help
but be jealous
Cuz her ankles are probably perfect
And she sings
Like an angel
While I sing Peach, Plum, Pear
And she probably wouldn’t steal
Your Perry Ellis underwear

(just for the record you left those at my house, that wasn’t really my fault.)

Well maybe she will spare your sheets because she’ll never spill
And maybe she sleeps like an angel without any benedryll
I bet she doesn’t flip out when she loses her retainer
And you don’t need psychological testing to tell you who is saner
I won’t say I can’t go on without you
Cuz I will, I’m not that lame
And even though it makes no sense
I love you just the same

i really need to watch it

i haven't slept in 36 hours. i don't trust myself to write blog entries. that last one was stupid. the one i deleted
no one reads this shit anyways
but my theory still holds

Goodnight

Goodnight beautiful
Goodnight sexy
Goodnight pretty girl
Goodnight perfect
Goodnight gorgeous


i'm not perfect, i'm not a pretty girl, not beautiful, not gorgeous, not sexy, nope, not right now. and it's certainly not a good night.
but thanks anyway.

And I swear I'm gunna cry
I'm sick of tryin to be tough
yeah i swear i'm gunna cry
I'm sick of tryin to be tough.

Just a dream

Sort of contradictory considering the fact that I just wrote an entry about why I don't write about dreams, and if you read that and took it to heart you probably won't read this, but this dream was as real as they come, and I want to write it before I forget it completely, so just skip over it if you aren't interested in dreams, for my reason or whatever other reason you may have.

Last night I had a dream about someone I was very close with for a long time. Actually it was a dream about both her and her mother. Both of them were huge figures in my life at one point,(not just in the dream,) and although they are not actively so anymore, not a day goes by that I don't think about them.
Anyway, this dream.
I was with a guy I know who I'll leave anonymous as well, one that she doesn't know and has never met before, and one that I've had a kind of funny and interesting history with, but not someone I'm attached to in any way. I think it's interesting that this guy was the one that showed up in this dream, because my feelings involving this guy could not be more different than the feelings I had regarding the guy this situation actually happened with, but I think it was a dual meaning, working with two different recent scenarios of mine. Anyway. I was with him and a group of some other people and we were traveling from place to place with a group of a few other meaningless people, and I was just kind of tagging along and not really in my element at all. We're in a dark parking lot one night, me, this guy, and this group of people, when all of a sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's my friends mom, the girls mom. This was the clearest part of the dream. I saw her face in a semi profile, exactly like I used to see it when she'd drive me places. She was always talking to me while she was driving, she never ran out of things to talk about, ever. Also she usually had excedrin in the mornings for her headaches and excedrin has caffeine she says and usually she would drive me in the morning after her excedrin so she definitely had plenty to talk about. Anyway, whenever she talked to me in the car, her head was always turned just like this, this exact semi profile angle that I witnessed in the dream. When I saw her like this, it was like I completely forgot about this guy and everyone else I was with and I just hugged her and hugged her and I don't know if I was laughing or crying but I was doing one of the two. I didn't think my friend was with her. I figured she was coming to find me to tell me to start talking to my friend again, to reinitiate things again, to try and fix whatever went wrong. I thought she was going to tell me to be the bigger person, to not be so stubborn, I thought she'd explain to me in great detail exactly how her daughter worked, which she is exactly right about, I know that. And then I was prepared to tell her I knew her daughter too, and I also knew that things needed to be different this time, I tried, I would tell her, I tried so many times, if I reached out any further I'd fall flat on my face. At that point, maybe she'd come back. Walk on me and pick up the pieces. I was prepared to tell her I couldn't do that anymore, not with her, not with anyone. I was prepared to tell her that the only way I could possibly avoid that is if she decides to reach out to me. I was prepared to apologize.
Once we stopped hugging, I caught a glimpse of what was behind her. It was her, my friend. A view from the front, straight on, straight ahead, smiling, laughing, with her head tilting back like it does when she smiles like that, exactly as I remembered it. She was wearing her winter hat I'm so used to, and then my speech I had prepared to give to her mom skittered away. I went to hug her and she seemed excited to be hugging me too, she was laughing and smiling and overjoyed, but something weird happened. I kept trying to hug her and somehow it just wasn't working. I could only hug her halfway, our arms were around each others shoulders, but we couldn't fully hug, it was weird, we kept colliding or crashing into something or sometimes just the air made it impossible. We struggled like this for what felt like quite a while, her mom was talking and laughing and making plans, and we were dancing like this. I feel like we successfully hugged by the end, honestly though I really don't fully remember. It's fuzzy.
We talked, me and her, but it must have been about nothing, because I don't remember what we talked about. I just know that we did a little bit, in the dark parking lot. We mainly just laughed. Her mom told me to come stay with them, Thursday through Sunday. I told her I was staying with this guy and his friends right now, but I was happy to drop everything and come stay, my ticket just didn't allow for it. She offered to pay for a different return flight. I couldn't believe it. I thought after everything that had happened she must have hated me, but it was like nothing had changed at all. I got a second chance, go with him, go with us. There was no question in my mind, I was overjoyed, I couldn't believe I was given this opportunity again, I told her I was ready to come now. She said, talk to him about it. I said I would. She said give it until Thursday. I said ok.
My plan with this guy I was with was just to hook up with him. I was even feeling weird about that, but it's amazing how someone can want you so much more when there is something in the way.
So this guy, who've I've known since I was fairly young actually, but really never knew at all, confesses that he really likes me and cares about me. And I think, great. This was supposed to be casual. Way to mix emotions into everything. But even though I thought that, my empathy won me over. I even grew fonder of him. My friends mom would show up as if out of nowhere in random places and situations, talking about plans for the upcoming days.
It was down to the wire. I didn't even really care about this guy, and yet I was in what seemed like almost the exact same situation that had ruined things in the first place. Only difference was the person.
I don't remember how the dream ended, I don't remember how it resolved itself, or if it did. I just remember being wound up somewhere in the middle, I remember the feeling, I remember being afraid of myself, of my own decisions, my own desires, I was afraid of losing, and I don't even know what the outcome was.

Sick

So you know when you're sick, and just really really congested, and you just really can't taste anything at all...
yeah
pretty much
and for some reason, it is making me want to eat everything in the world
for the past id say 3 weeks give or take, i have had almost no appetite. now all of a sudden i can't taste anything, literally, i can't taste AT all, and all i want to do it eat. my stomach is botomless. this is so weird.

5 chocolate chip ego waffles
spaghetti o's
diet coke
peas
bagel with cream cheese and lox
crackers
egg salad
a cookie
a granola bar
tea
rice

this is all within the past few hours.
and i'm still hungry
and i can't taste any of it
this is so bizarre

that more than i'm usually hungry for in an entire week

No kaleidoscopes to make?

I have no kaleidoscopes to make tonight.
What?
I think that means I am supposed to sleep
Haaaaaa
THIS SUCKS.
Where is everyone I talk to at night?
I have my day time life, and I have my nights. I am awake for both I suppose. They tend to blend together into one, but when I look at them separately, as days, and as nights, I see a few big difference.
The people.
I involve myself deeply with the people I talk to at night, but we rarely ever talk during the day, and if we do its brief. night is always different.
My impulsiveness.
It's not what I do. I don't do much at night really. In fact usually I sit, I make kaleidoscopes, I talk to people, I watch porn, sometimes I'll write, sometimes, but I really don't do much else at night. Yet I always feel invincible somehow. I want to say things I don't say during the day time, I plan out my day time life according to my nighttime courage and schemes, sometimes it's good, other times it really probably isn't. It's 11:00pm right now, so it's still day time life, it's bleeding into night a little I suppose, probably a good explanation for my ambivalence on my nighttime grandiosity.
My memory.
I can't bring myself to begin an explanation.
I don't even feel like explaining why the explanation is difficult.
Yup, it's bleeding into night now. Writing takes effort. I might be up for it tonight, I might not, if I am it will probably not be non blog writing.
I really just want to sleep normally again
Eat normally again
Exercise more
I think if I feel like writing tonight, it's going to be about all of the stuff I want to do better. Commitments. Ideas. Ideas that turn in to commitments. Ideas that turn into commitments that usually fall apart for some reason or another. Maybe I have too much faith in the idea of sleep. I feel like if I sleep my nighttime determination and free spirit will help blend in with the day time me and make me be less...unnecessarily annalytical. Shy. Anxious. Irritated. Tight. Appetite-less. But not to the point where I'm fully like I am at night. I need a balance. Maybe sleeping could create that balance.
I feel like I sound like something out of fightclub. Well, it isn't that. I know who I am, and I am one person. I am all of these things, as many of us are. I just need to balance myself before I fall over because I just never get any damn sleep.

don't sue me for copyright please...obviously these lyrics are not my own = )

Remember when blogs used to have that "current music" thing for every entry? And then you did like current mood and current other stuff.
like for example
current mood: Spiteful
current experssion: Grinning
current music: Kenny G
something like that.
anyway i've been listening to this song a lot. i think i'm going to do a cover of it. i dunno. i need to get a damn capo
A Wish--Gregory and the Hawk
I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away.

I really don't think anyone reads this, but i said that on the first day I got my blog, and i also said that i knew the moment i thought no one would be reading it someone would read it that would make it weird if i said something personal, so i'll stick to being vague and indecipherable and just really weird. but i don't really want to be.

when in doubt


google it.

Fork in the sky.
thanks Tessa

I love arguments that take place over the internet. I can google all my facts before I say them.

e v e r y t h i n g i s m o v i n g s l o w l y
t h e r e i s i s u p p o s e
n o t h i n g t o b e d o n e
w i t h o r w i t h o u t c o n f o r m a t i o n
e v e r y t h i n g i s s l o w e r
i h i t t h e s w i t c h
u n c o n c i o u s l y
m y b o d y s a l l n a t u r a l l y p r o d u c e d a n x i e t y s e r u m
everythingspeedsup
u s d o c t o r s c a l l t h a t a d r e n a l i n e
y o u d o c t o r s
y o u d o c t o r s
you doctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youcallitanxietyanxiety
youcallitanattackanxietyattackanxietyattack
beingattackedbymyownallnaturalbodywillobviouslyhelpreduceanxiety
everythingspeedsup
upupupupupup
u n t i l e v e r y t h i n g b e g i n s t o m o v e
m u c h s l o w e r n o w
iwishthaticouldtakeitall
b a c k
or maybe just
t a k e i t .

Went on google images and searched silly potato animal

wrote a song on le guitar

Somebody told me once upon a time
there’s no such thing as a one of a kind
Somebody told me I try too hard to find
A good reason and a piece of mind
That very same someone told me I try too hard to please you
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied
You say the situation we have on our hands
Is far too complex for me to ever understand
Well you’re probably right this time
I’m just so damn tired of trying to figure you out
And it’s your turn
So just reach out your hand
If someone ever tried to beat me black and blue
There’s very little damage that they could do
That’s a job designated just for you
Too bad I’ll never let you see it through
I let you fuck around , throw a fit, have your fun for far too long dear
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied
You say the situation we have on our hands
Is far too complex for me to understand
Well you’re probably right this time
I’m just so damn tired of trying to figure you out
And it’s your turn
So just reach out your hand
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied

annoyed

i got really sick this morning but i went to work anyway. my boss ended up having to drive me home because i was too sick to be there. now im just sitting. really bothered by this mess in my room, too sick to clean it up. i have dishes from weeks ago festering up here. im going to stop complaining now. publicly anyway