I got a record deal offer
no fuckin way..

I'm in Hawaii right now. There's lots to say but right now all I can think about is Jungle Bell Rock. I just accidentally spelled jingle as jungle. I'm not fixing it.

Anyway I was sitting in the car in the costco parking lot today and all of a sudden the line "giddy up jingle horse pick up your feet," came to my mind probably because I went shopping today in stores that only played shitty christmas music (like the christian pop rock kind, not the classics) and ok WHAT THE FUCK is a jingle horse? How can such a creature pick up its feet and jingle around the clock if it DOESN'T EXIST?
I guess that's the last concern when it comes to christmas though...real vs. not real. Jingle horses are merely appetizers to the banquet of holiday mind games.

Ok I'm done

my birthday's tomorrow...hi :)

i have to get up at 7am. and i have way too much energy to fall asleep right now. every word i write with the letter p in it takes me forever because the key is broken. i have no idea how it broke. i just ate enough to feed 12 people. i hate that letter. offically

Tomorrow when
The world wakes up
I'll be in
Another town

i think people really must have types...either that or they try and replicate people. because essentially every person i've ever had anything with has either been with someone who looks just like me already, or gets with someone who looks just like me afterwards

fuck

I'M DELIRIOUSLY PISSED OFF

oh evasiveness

not with you. with meaningless blog entries

Yes, I'm done.

Yes, I'm done.

Yes

Done

Done

Yes

Yes.

ok but really...for tonight. i'm done. for tonight, yes, i'm done, for tonight, i'm done with you

HAHA if you've ever kept up with my blog you know that's a lie

i'm not going to bed, but i AM going to stop putting up meaningless blog entries

i'm not really going to bed
BIG SECRET

goodnight

homicide is never funny to joke about. sorry

i'm not really homicidal...that was a joke

I LOVE BREATHY MALE FALSETTO VOICES WHEN I'M HOMICIDAL

i even put on a soothing song. survival by the colorful quiet. go listen to it. if you are really getting a good depiction of my mood right now, you observant one you, and then press play on this song, you will laugh. if laughter is not your response then your depiction of my mood was wrong

you know, tonight i accidentally knocked my medication over and it all fell into the sink and dissolved. you are going to have a miserable next few days. yes you. not me.

ok hahahaha you've punished me happy

it really would have been fine, tomorrow, if i had gotten SLEEP

im so nervous and stressed about tomorrow

i hate this so much i wish i could sleep

yeah, that's why

So I can post shit like this all night long when I should be sleeping

REALLY WHY DO I HAVE A BLOG

why do i even have a blog

fuck you, fuck your stupid irrational thinking, fuck your denial, fuck the fact that you think you're not in denial and think everyone always uses denial to get people do admit they have a problem, fuck the fact that now you're throwing me into a category of "everyone else who thinks that way about you," fuck your double edged sword that backs me into a corner and makes me unable to say anything, fuck hanging up the phone just so you can have the last word before i can even say my point, fuck you for making it so I can't sleep when I have to get up in 2 hours, fuck you for making me not want to play guitar because the only song I feel like playing lately is about you, fuck you for making me sound cliche, fuck you for not understanding what I'm trying to tell you, fuck you for not listening, fuck you for not texting me back, fuck the fact that i like you so much, fuck you for making me so angry, fuck you for being able to effect me again, fuck you.

I give up

i'm sitting my room in a red onesy eating yogurt with rainbow sprinkles and peanut-butter filled pretzels and orange jello and no, i am not ok.

sometimes you make me so paranoid i almost just call it quits

i need coffee and i don't want to talk to you today for reasons that have nothing to do with not wanting to talk to you

I feel really off.
But in an on top of things sort of kind of way
I'm on my way to work
I like never have work anymore
Yet I don't want to go
I just want to stay home and be a bum in my room festering with disgusting amounts of dirty laundry and gross shit in it and think about all the things I need and want to do with everything
I want my guitar back

There are not enough hours in a day to do all the things i want to and need to do

just for tessa song i wrote about my mom

this shit needs to be re recorded desperately don't listen if you aren't tessa

beginning of a cover of "permanent fixture" by Shannon Saunders

i figured the guitar out on my own at its rough right now but i wanna do the whole song at some point

Holidays, mainstream ones, pagan or religious, whatever, most if not all of them revolve around food.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Biggest food holiday of all.
I'm so stressed out about it.
How twisted is that?

FIrst recording of it...rough version

first recording of the song i wrote last night....its rough haha i dont have time to do a better one right now

My new song!

I am sooo happy with it! I will post a video as soon as I have time and get it better:)

Shut Up and Listen
(Verse 1)
Walk all over me
Knock me down
Take control of me
Push me Around
I’ve got a mind to speak
But I won’t make a sound
CHORUS
I stayed far too quiet for far too long
A passive nothing you dragged along
How dare you put me in that position
You got something to say?
How bout you shut up and listen
Shut up and listen
Shut up and listen
(Verse 2)
Easily persuaded
I’m presented with a choice
Let your upperhand take hold of me
Or finally find my voice
So let’s look at the current situation
At your physiological masturbation
And I don’t want an altercation
Cuz I’m no longer a victim to my frustration
(CHORUS)
Bridge:
You know damn well what you were doing
You pushed me to the side
You decided we were going nowhere
And you dragged me along for the ride
(CHORUS) (chords individually strummed until last line)

And tonight I go to bed as a big fat cheese and chicken quesadilla.
With the best song I've written yet
I haven't slept in days
and I can't wait for tomorrow

I really am the only person who reads this
I'm on my way to Pasadena today.
Well, tonight.
I am not even close to being ready.
I leave in a half hour.
So I'm procrastinating getting ready, because I know I won't be, so getting ready is stressing me out, so I'm just not getting ready. I'm writing in my blog no one but me reads.
Good. That wasted a minute or two.

feeling really... weird today..

(original) permanent fixture - shannon saunders.

I HAVE NO CIRCULATION IN FEET WHATSOEVER

Nicest Thing Kate Nash Cover

Final version of the first song I wrote

"Spare Your Sheets"
=P

Rough Version of the very first song I wrote :)

=)

I am going to sleep now, i have never been so tired, i have, i cant remember when though this is intense

I am going to bed with a lot of love in my life. I am a lucky girl

Oh, shit a brick will you?

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHOULDHAVEEXPECTEDTHISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

i'll be in bed by 6am, mummy

5:20 AM? blasphemy! must have been all that caffeine caaaaaffeeeeeiiiineee caaaaffeeeeeiiine i didn't even think of that I have to ride Theo I have to go to breakfast in the morning I am getting up in a few hours I am NOT PREPARING WELL THIS IS BAD

HEY GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS AND GUESS WHOS STILL AWAKE AND GUESS WHAT TIME I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND GUESS WHO I TALKED TO TONIGHT AND GUESS WHY

Wet Dog

After washing my face tonight, it occurred to me that I looked kind of like a wet dog. Like one of those curly black haired cocker spaniels. Black hair parted down the center, bushy, coarse but thin, especially at the bottom, wet around the edges, not soaked, awkwardly wet in unnecessary places, that kind of wet, no, not that kind, the other kind. Obviously
The way my face was all pinched and red too, my eyes all bloodshot...the more I describe it, the less and less I sound like a wet black curly haired dog, but I was one, take my word for it.

pretty much only for tessa before i delete it and redo it

rough version of Falling or Flying by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

One of the first ones I wrote.

GoldenTrain Justin Nozuka Cover

So...this just made my day/week/month/year/life. Wow

I think I'll stop freaking out by morning, by the figurative metaphorical morning wake up, oh, you don't know what I mean

I need to go to bed, I totally made the wrong choice if bed was my intention

Especially if you don't believe you're pretty

Bullshit, being pretty doesn't mean anything

I can do anything. I'm pretty

I don't know why I did that

My favorite people in the world:
Tessa
My Mom

The end.

One person
The same person
Makes my night
Every night
That takes
Quite a person.

I've been sleeping better lately...to the point where I get sleepy at night now, to the point where I write in my blog less, to the point where I feel like there's not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to get done, to the point where my floor is covered in hairballs and who knows what, I can't see it anyways, my floor is too covered to see, so I'm going to clean and clean until morning, my body is so mad at me. It was getting used to sleeping at night, even if only for a few hours.

Porcelain Doll--Original song

A rough version of the new song I wrote.

Boats and birds blooper....the one below this is the actual one

Boats and Birds Cover

TESSA i need your opinion

New Song I wrote

"Undone"
Another song I wrote.
I look a little messy...who cares.

The lyrics...

It’s funny
When we said we were broke we were referring to money but I think
We were broken long before we had no cash
And I will take it upon myself to be the unstable one
And maybe you have watched me unravel
But I’ll never let you watch me come undone
Undone
You can watch me unravel but I’ll never come undone
Maybe for you it feels like forever since we were together but for me its not been long
I’m disposable interchangeable
But I’d argue that you’re wrong
And I won’t tag along
You say I feel the cons right now because the Pros haven’t happened yet
But do you know how it feels to love someone and wish you could forget
So I will take it upon myself to be the unstable one
Pull my string and watch me unravel
But I’ll never let you watch me come undone
Undone
I might unravel but I’ll never come undone
And I’m done
I’ll put my pieces together
Swear I’ll never come undone

i don't want to wake up in the morning

Fuck you Alex Russell I don't give a shit who reads this

this is a lot for me to deal with in one night

Video of the song I wrote and posted the lyrics to last night

Most recent song I've written. Video soon

The Real Thing

Too many people too many places too many familiar faces
I wish I didn’t know a single one of you
And you all think that I’ve succumb to your energy
But you have yet to see the best of me
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing
Where do you draw the line between a lesson learned and a waste of time
I’d say the point where I’m repeating my mistakes
So sick of arms around me
Begging me to tell a lie
Go find a pretty girl
To sing you a lullaby
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing
Failed Decisions
Switching Positions
Making revisions of past mistakes
One good go is all it takes
This is the moment with the highest stakes
we could make it
But we’ll probably break it
I can only try so many times to fake it
I’m looking for the real thing
I’m looking for the real thing

yumpyump

ok. this time im actually going to santa cruz tomorrow
i need to sleep i have to get up early
story of my life
i need to switch my laundry
set my alarm
charge my camera
wait for this video to finish uploading
switch my laundry
im going to santa cruz tomorrow

ehhh

not the best version but the only one that youtube uploaded successfully. This is the full version of A wish by Gregory and The Hawk. I just recorded "Isabelle" tonight by Gregory and the Hawk. I need to get some variety...whatever im fine for now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU2JqyPEdRI

Wow

Fuck you

fail

so i tried recording A Wish by Gregory and the Hawk, and I did it, but instead of deleting the shitty version that I stopped after like less than 30 seconds I deleted the good version where I did the whole song. haha. it figures. here's the shitty less than 30 second version
joyous

I am a very tired beast

So now the beast is going to bed
Goodnight, Toast.

I used to read all the time
I had no friends
So I'd go to the gym all day and run
and I'd read while I ran
I read hundreds of pages a day
I also slept then, usually
I also breathed then, usually
I still breathe
It's just a different kind of breathing now

I just got to talk to Celina on Skype, and I really miss her.
She lives in Scotland now. I don't know the time difference. It's probably lunch time for her. Something normal like that.
I wish I wasn't still awake

I have a colorful personality

I still don't know what I'm wearing tomorrow
I haven't done my laundry in 2 weeks
Tomorrow I will wear a paper bag
and a shower cap
In case it rains

These are my long socks
Bedtime socks and shitty ankles

I am going to put long socks on and go to bed soon

1 goldfish...2 goldfish...5,000 goldfish...I just ate so many goldfish. the cracker kind not le animal kind

I have no idea how I got this bruise but I think it was when I fell out of the car last night

"Sometimes I could see how cutting an ear off might be the most productive and satisfying thing to do."--Deb Talan, Vincent

shit, I really should be wearing my retainer
shitshitshit

"It feels like the tomorrow I worried about in yesterdays today."
I was mad cool person
SECRETS OUT!
Hahahaha, no one who reads this knows what I'm talking about.
Who reads this?
No one.
Right.
No one knows what I'm talking about.
I just inadvertently called you no one.
I AM MAD COOL PERSON
I'm also loopy
bet you wish you were here to see me now
see me and not touch me
because you'll never touch me
while you're with her.

Wait I'm getting dressed 10 times today! And even though it still feels like Saturday because it's dark and I haven't slept, it's Sunday really, so I better start now.

My hair is straight now
I really have no reason to be awake anymore

My Current Playlist

Explode--Uh Huh Her
Isabelle--Gregory and The Hawk
Ithaka--Deb Talan
Boats and Birds--Gregory and the Hawk
Wild Horse--Deb Talan
A Wish--Gregory and the Hawk
Vincent--Deb Talan

who cares
heyyyyy

I use foot lotion as eye make-up remover
that's what gives them this green color
that's my secret

did he drop them off? maybe
I haven't seen them
I didn't look
I'm worried to look
In case they aren't there
I really screwed up
wow i really should have called him back before 1:45 AM came around
he called me Friday and now even though it's dark and feels like Saturday it's Sunday

i forgot all my kaleidoscopes i was supposed to make over the weekend at work. that was dumb, and a huge hassle for my boss. I think he said he'd drop them off today. I never called him back, I should have called him back, and now I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about a lot of things

Random Google Image Search of the day

BABY BANJO!

Tonight, I'm getting beauty sleep.

When they say beauty sleep, they're talking about the nights you stay awake until morning trying to make yourself look beautiful for the next day.

I wrote 5 blog entries one after the other exactly a minute apart. I didn't realize I was doing that.
I spent so much time thinking about what to write for tomorrow that much more than a minute passed
It's much easier to think about today and yesterday then it is to think about tomorrow, isn't it.

Tomorrow I'm going get dressed 10 times.

Today I spent 189 dollars on flannel.

Yesterday I got to eat a family dinner.

I want to make spongebob Macaroni and cheese. I just want Tessa to come over. Actually I want both

It's 12:59. In one minute I get to take my crest white strips off my teeth.
Best moment of my day

Yeah, I deleted my facebook. Just thought I'd tell you. Spare you from asking.
I cut off my phone service. Just thought I'd tell you. Spare you from calling.
Not that you'd ask
Or call
Not that I care
At all
Right.

Yesterday, I mistreated my liver.

Today, my phone got stolen in Urban Outfitters.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Santa Cruz.

I read what you write
And I know you don't write about me, but
I read it as if it's directed and me, and
I think of how your words could pertain to me, so
I can read and think I know
And I know you don't write about me, but
I read what you write
I read it as if it's directed at me, and
I write
I read
I think, about
How I want you to think of how my words could pertain to you
Read it as if it's directed at you, and
I wonder if maybe you do.

You think I'm interested
When you flex
Flatter
Speak
Swoon
You think I'm riveted
By your swagger
Seductions
Attributes
Attention
You think I like you
Your jokes
Justifications
Edge
Excuses
You're just another
Face
Filter
Fuck
You're just one more
Distraction
Digression
Dud
You're just another like the one before
The one during
The one after
I'm just another like the one before
The one during
The one after
And you want me
I don't
Want me to want you
I don't
I want to want you
And I don't
I wish I wasn't
I wish you weren't
Just another like the one before
During
After
And we're just another
Flex
Flatter
Speak
Swoon
Swagger
Seduction
Attribute
Attention
Joke
Justification
Edge
Excuse
Face
Filter
Fuck
Distraction
Digression
Dud
And we're just like the one before
The one during
And the one after
I wish we weren't
Just another.

GUESS WHAT

I have a wedgie
I need to clean my room
Not much has changed

you know that feeling when you hurt so bad you can't move
I hope not.
i'm not even really that angry at you. i'm not even really that angry at her.
i'm angry because you are the only fuckin person who can make me feel like this, who can make me like this
so pathetic
seriously, so incredibly pathetic.
I am can't sleep can't eat can't think pathetic
i am dropped 15 pounds pathetic
nah not in one night
tonight i've just fallen apart
but i've been breaking
people who love me, they ask me why i'm losing
my cool
weight
sleep
over this shit
they ask me why i'm losing
my mind
strength
pound after pound, night after night
fight after fight
they ask me why i'm losing
and god damn it they're right
this is so stupid
i'm not even angry at you, not angry at her
but seriously, why the hell do i give a shit to this point
of being so dramatic, so pathetic
this is so lame
really fuck you i'm really sick of being this lame
fuck blog privacy
this will be that one entry
i think no one will ever read
and then it'll be read
by everyone
nah, not even, doesn't even need to be everyone
just needs to be you, yeah, you're that person who'd read this
and i'd be like, wow, i'm so stupid, i really should have followed my own rule of keeping my blog light
and private
and evasive
so that one person who reads it
doesn't know who or what i'm talking about
well congratulations!
Today it's you!
Actually most days its you!
And sometimes it's not!
But today it definitely is!
And most days it definitely is!
and you'll probably never read this shit
you never read this shit
but you know, now that i said that you will
I'm going to post this, keep it posted, not delete it
I'M GOING TO BE AWKWARDLY PUBLIC AND IF I AM MAKING ONE OR MORE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE BY DOING SO INCLUDING MYSELF THEN I AM GOING TO MAKE ONE OR MORE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE BY DOING SO INCLUDING MYSELF
and i'm fucking out of my mind nuts and i know you love me. i know
And I really really love you and i'm so fuckin angry
not at you, not even at her
i'm just so fuckin angry that you are the only fuckin person
who can make me feel this way
how's that for a blog entry

Song i wrote

here's another song I wrote :)
i'll post a video soon

She looks cute
In her pictures
I bet she’s real nice
It’s still dumb
That you met her
And you’ve made out with her twice
What sucks about that statement
Is that probably by now
You’ve done a whole lot more than kiss her
Too many times to count

Well maybe she will spare your sheets because she’ll never spill
And maybe she sleeps like an angel without any benedryll
I bet she doesn’t flip out when she loses her retainer
And you don’t need psychological testing to tell you who is saner
I won’t say I can’t go on without you
Cuz I will, I’m not that lame
And even though it makes no sense
I love you just the same

I tell myself
That you need this
And even though I know I’m worth it
I can’t help
but be jealous
Cuz her ankles are probably perfect
And she sings
Like an angel
While I sing Peach, Plum, Pear
And she probably wouldn’t steal
Your Perry Ellis underwear

(just for the record you left those at my house, that wasn’t really my fault.)

Well maybe she will spare your sheets because she’ll never spill
And maybe she sleeps like an angel without any benedryll
I bet she doesn’t flip out when she loses her retainer
And you don’t need psychological testing to tell you who is saner
I won’t say I can’t go on without you
Cuz I will, I’m not that lame
And even though it makes no sense
I love you just the same

i really need to watch it

i haven't slept in 36 hours. i don't trust myself to write blog entries. that last one was stupid. the one i deleted
no one reads this shit anyways
but my theory still holds

Goodnight

Goodnight beautiful
Goodnight sexy
Goodnight pretty girl
Goodnight perfect
Goodnight gorgeous


i'm not perfect, i'm not a pretty girl, not beautiful, not gorgeous, not sexy, nope, not right now. and it's certainly not a good night.
but thanks anyway.

And I swear I'm gunna cry
I'm sick of tryin to be tough
yeah i swear i'm gunna cry
I'm sick of tryin to be tough.

Just a dream

Sort of contradictory considering the fact that I just wrote an entry about why I don't write about dreams, and if you read that and took it to heart you probably won't read this, but this dream was as real as they come, and I want to write it before I forget it completely, so just skip over it if you aren't interested in dreams, for my reason or whatever other reason you may have.

Last night I had a dream about someone I was very close with for a long time. Actually it was a dream about both her and her mother. Both of them were huge figures in my life at one point,(not just in the dream,) and although they are not actively so anymore, not a day goes by that I don't think about them.
Anyway, this dream.
I was with a guy I know who I'll leave anonymous as well, one that she doesn't know and has never met before, and one that I've had a kind of funny and interesting history with, but not someone I'm attached to in any way. I think it's interesting that this guy was the one that showed up in this dream, because my feelings involving this guy could not be more different than the feelings I had regarding the guy this situation actually happened with, but I think it was a dual meaning, working with two different recent scenarios of mine. Anyway. I was with him and a group of some other people and we were traveling from place to place with a group of a few other meaningless people, and I was just kind of tagging along and not really in my element at all. We're in a dark parking lot one night, me, this guy, and this group of people, when all of a sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's my friends mom, the girls mom. This was the clearest part of the dream. I saw her face in a semi profile, exactly like I used to see it when she'd drive me places. She was always talking to me while she was driving, she never ran out of things to talk about, ever. Also she usually had excedrin in the mornings for her headaches and excedrin has caffeine she says and usually she would drive me in the morning after her excedrin so she definitely had plenty to talk about. Anyway, whenever she talked to me in the car, her head was always turned just like this, this exact semi profile angle that I witnessed in the dream. When I saw her like this, it was like I completely forgot about this guy and everyone else I was with and I just hugged her and hugged her and I don't know if I was laughing or crying but I was doing one of the two. I didn't think my friend was with her. I figured she was coming to find me to tell me to start talking to my friend again, to reinitiate things again, to try and fix whatever went wrong. I thought she was going to tell me to be the bigger person, to not be so stubborn, I thought she'd explain to me in great detail exactly how her daughter worked, which she is exactly right about, I know that. And then I was prepared to tell her I knew her daughter too, and I also knew that things needed to be different this time, I tried, I would tell her, I tried so many times, if I reached out any further I'd fall flat on my face. At that point, maybe she'd come back. Walk on me and pick up the pieces. I was prepared to tell her I couldn't do that anymore, not with her, not with anyone. I was prepared to tell her that the only way I could possibly avoid that is if she decides to reach out to me. I was prepared to apologize.
Once we stopped hugging, I caught a glimpse of what was behind her. It was her, my friend. A view from the front, straight on, straight ahead, smiling, laughing, with her head tilting back like it does when she smiles like that, exactly as I remembered it. She was wearing her winter hat I'm so used to, and then my speech I had prepared to give to her mom skittered away. I went to hug her and she seemed excited to be hugging me too, she was laughing and smiling and overjoyed, but something weird happened. I kept trying to hug her and somehow it just wasn't working. I could only hug her halfway, our arms were around each others shoulders, but we couldn't fully hug, it was weird, we kept colliding or crashing into something or sometimes just the air made it impossible. We struggled like this for what felt like quite a while, her mom was talking and laughing and making plans, and we were dancing like this. I feel like we successfully hugged by the end, honestly though I really don't fully remember. It's fuzzy.
We talked, me and her, but it must have been about nothing, because I don't remember what we talked about. I just know that we did a little bit, in the dark parking lot. We mainly just laughed. Her mom told me to come stay with them, Thursday through Sunday. I told her I was staying with this guy and his friends right now, but I was happy to drop everything and come stay, my ticket just didn't allow for it. She offered to pay for a different return flight. I couldn't believe it. I thought after everything that had happened she must have hated me, but it was like nothing had changed at all. I got a second chance, go with him, go with us. There was no question in my mind, I was overjoyed, I couldn't believe I was given this opportunity again, I told her I was ready to come now. She said, talk to him about it. I said I would. She said give it until Thursday. I said ok.
My plan with this guy I was with was just to hook up with him. I was even feeling weird about that, but it's amazing how someone can want you so much more when there is something in the way.
So this guy, who've I've known since I was fairly young actually, but really never knew at all, confesses that he really likes me and cares about me. And I think, great. This was supposed to be casual. Way to mix emotions into everything. But even though I thought that, my empathy won me over. I even grew fonder of him. My friends mom would show up as if out of nowhere in random places and situations, talking about plans for the upcoming days.
It was down to the wire. I didn't even really care about this guy, and yet I was in what seemed like almost the exact same situation that had ruined things in the first place. Only difference was the person.
I don't remember how the dream ended, I don't remember how it resolved itself, or if it did. I just remember being wound up somewhere in the middle, I remember the feeling, I remember being afraid of myself, of my own decisions, my own desires, I was afraid of losing, and I don't even know what the outcome was.

Sick

So you know when you're sick, and just really really congested, and you just really can't taste anything at all...
yeah
pretty much
and for some reason, it is making me want to eat everything in the world
for the past id say 3 weeks give or take, i have had almost no appetite. now all of a sudden i can't taste anything, literally, i can't taste AT all, and all i want to do it eat. my stomach is botomless. this is so weird.

5 chocolate chip ego waffles
spaghetti o's
diet coke
peas
bagel with cream cheese and lox
crackers
egg salad
a cookie
a granola bar
tea
rice

this is all within the past few hours.
and i'm still hungry
and i can't taste any of it
this is so bizarre

that more than i'm usually hungry for in an entire week

No kaleidoscopes to make?

I have no kaleidoscopes to make tonight.
What?
I think that means I am supposed to sleep
Haaaaaa
THIS SUCKS.
Where is everyone I talk to at night?
I have my day time life, and I have my nights. I am awake for both I suppose. They tend to blend together into one, but when I look at them separately, as days, and as nights, I see a few big difference.
The people.
I involve myself deeply with the people I talk to at night, but we rarely ever talk during the day, and if we do its brief. night is always different.
My impulsiveness.
It's not what I do. I don't do much at night really. In fact usually I sit, I make kaleidoscopes, I talk to people, I watch porn, sometimes I'll write, sometimes, but I really don't do much else at night. Yet I always feel invincible somehow. I want to say things I don't say during the day time, I plan out my day time life according to my nighttime courage and schemes, sometimes it's good, other times it really probably isn't. It's 11:00pm right now, so it's still day time life, it's bleeding into night a little I suppose, probably a good explanation for my ambivalence on my nighttime grandiosity.
My memory.
I can't bring myself to begin an explanation.
I don't even feel like explaining why the explanation is difficult.
Yup, it's bleeding into night now. Writing takes effort. I might be up for it tonight, I might not, if I am it will probably not be non blog writing.
I really just want to sleep normally again
Eat normally again
Exercise more
I think if I feel like writing tonight, it's going to be about all of the stuff I want to do better. Commitments. Ideas. Ideas that turn in to commitments. Ideas that turn into commitments that usually fall apart for some reason or another. Maybe I have too much faith in the idea of sleep. I feel like if I sleep my nighttime determination and free spirit will help blend in with the day time me and make me be less...unnecessarily annalytical. Shy. Anxious. Irritated. Tight. Appetite-less. But not to the point where I'm fully like I am at night. I need a balance. Maybe sleeping could create that balance.
I feel like I sound like something out of fightclub. Well, it isn't that. I know who I am, and I am one person. I am all of these things, as many of us are. I just need to balance myself before I fall over because I just never get any damn sleep.

don't sue me for copyright please...obviously these lyrics are not my own = )

Remember when blogs used to have that "current music" thing for every entry? And then you did like current mood and current other stuff.
like for example
current mood: Spiteful
current experssion: Grinning
current music: Kenny G
something like that.
anyway i've been listening to this song a lot. i think i'm going to do a cover of it. i dunno. i need to get a damn capo
A Wish--Gregory and the Hawk
I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away.

I really don't think anyone reads this, but i said that on the first day I got my blog, and i also said that i knew the moment i thought no one would be reading it someone would read it that would make it weird if i said something personal, so i'll stick to being vague and indecipherable and just really weird. but i don't really want to be.

when in doubt


google it.

Fork in the sky.
thanks Tessa

I love arguments that take place over the internet. I can google all my facts before I say them.

e v e r y t h i n g i s m o v i n g s l o w l y
t h e r e i s i s u p p o s e
n o t h i n g t o b e d o n e
w i t h o r w i t h o u t c o n f o r m a t i o n
e v e r y t h i n g i s s l o w e r
i h i t t h e s w i t c h
u n c o n c i o u s l y
m y b o d y s a l l n a t u r a l l y p r o d u c e d a n x i e t y s e r u m
everythingspeedsup
u s d o c t o r s c a l l t h a t a d r e n a l i n e
y o u d o c t o r s
y o u d o c t o r s
you doctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youdoctors
youcallitanxietyanxiety
youcallitanattackanxietyattackanxietyattack
beingattackedbymyownallnaturalbodywillobviouslyhelpreduceanxiety
everythingspeedsup
upupupupupup
u n t i l e v e r y t h i n g b e g i n s t o m o v e
m u c h s l o w e r n o w
iwishthaticouldtakeitall
b a c k
or maybe just
t a k e i t .

Went on google images and searched silly potato animal

wrote a song on le guitar

Somebody told me once upon a time
there’s no such thing as a one of a kind
Somebody told me I try too hard to find
A good reason and a piece of mind
That very same someone told me I try too hard to please you
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied
You say the situation we have on our hands
Is far too complex for me to ever understand
Well you’re probably right this time
I’m just so damn tired of trying to figure you out
And it’s your turn
So just reach out your hand
If someone ever tried to beat me black and blue
There’s very little damage that they could do
That’s a job designated just for you
Too bad I’ll never let you see it through
I let you fuck around , throw a fit, have your fun for far too long dear
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied
You say the situation we have on our hands
Is far too complex for me to understand
Well you’re probably right this time
I’m just so damn tired of trying to figure you out
And it’s your turn
So just reach out your hand
Funny how she’s the one who’s never satisfied

annoyed

i got really sick this morning but i went to work anyway. my boss ended up having to drive me home because i was too sick to be there. now im just sitting. really bothered by this mess in my room, too sick to clean it up. i have dishes from weeks ago festering up here. im going to stop complaining now. publicly anyway

Good Morning

I just woke up and it's 3pm i'm so proud of myself
I had the weirdest dreams.
But I'm not going to write about them, let's be honest 90% of the time people lie about their dreams. Why wouldn't they? Dreams are the easiest possible thing to lie about, ever. I used to always believe the dreams people told me. I even found them kind of interesting at times, unless they were those dreams about elephants who turned into the wicked witch and then all of a sudden your kidnapper was chasing you through the woods and he was your cat but not really your cat more like something out of the woods but you could look at him and see your cat and then your diet coke was the fountain but it turned white...you get what I mean, just dreams that really make no fucking sense.
other than those dreams were all good by me, i enjoyed em and usually believed as well.
Then one day someone told me why they hated hearing about dreams because they are almost always lies. since then i have always looked at talking about dreams and hearing about dreams in that same way. i started thinking about the millions of dreams i'd lied about, and then i started thinking about the millions of dreams that were told to me that were probably all lies too. i wasn't upset or anything. dream lying is a pretty small form of deceit. But why waste your time I guess is the point. I don't know. Maybe the way I looked at dream telling before was better, maybe not. it's something that would probably be more enjoyable to just be unknowingly decieved about, because it really doesn't matter

Birthday

My blog doesn't have a point but my point today is that today is the 18th birthday of an amazing person that recently came back into my life. Last night, 2 hours before turning 18, she knocked over a trash can while driving away from my house, completely sober. The most important part of that statement was the sober part, but knocking over the trash can was pretty important too. I can tell it's gunna be a good year. I love you :)
Happy birthday

I am such a slob

I need to clean this shit up and where is my deodorant

Buttons

Make an inference off of what you write
Or the fact that you have nothing to do tonight
Well maybe I'm saying this to spite
Your misconstrued opinions

Sometimes I really just don't want to make a title

Shoot a little lower and aim a little higher
Let your voice be heard but don't drown out the choir
Tell the truth just enough so they don't call you a liar
I think you get my point.

Well

Honestly, it's not a big deal
You'll figure it out, you'll get the feel
It's not for me, but I get the appeal
Somebody tell me the truth
Well I guess if you really want to hear
I'll say it nice, so it's not so clear
Maybe after another beer
This won't be such a big deal
I'm so busy sitting in between
What you say and what you mean
The jokes, the lies, the coming clean
That actually
Maybe
I don't know
Well kind of
I guess
Sorta
you know?
I really don't get where you want this to go
Honestly, it's not a big deal...

Haha

I'm just ridiculously funny

In between

I'm in between. In between jobs, in between school and a GED, in between friends leaving and friends staying, in between sleeping and not sleeping, in between trying to let go and trying to hang on with all that I can.
And this is where I stop, because you can only be vague in blogs, because only vague truth can go public. plus I have to poop. Not much vague truth on that one.

Happy banana, Sad Toad

When I was sad, I'd listen to sad music, because it made me happier. When I was happy I listened to happy music because sad music just slowed me down.
I can't listen to sad music lately, at all. It makes me fucking crazy. But I wouldn't say I'm happy.

Thirsty

So im going to go get my drank on.

Nonsense

Everyone's got
A direction these days
Pornography and the marines
Exotic trips to the Philippines
Child care and coffee beans
Everyone's got
A destination these days
A left turn at an intersection
A flight to make with one connection
Yoga mats and introspection
Everyone's got
A reason these days
Dollar bills and family trees
Friday nights at apple bees
Frat parties and STD's
Everyone's got
An excuse these days
Overworked and underpaid
Knocked up by a hand grenade
Crashed the brand new escalade
Everyone's got
A plan these days
Make my money just to start all over
Move to the country and buy a Range-Rover
Eat lucky charms, find the four-leaf clover
Everyone's had
Enough these days.

Milk Was a Bad Choice

Today I decided it would be a fun idea to re-read one of my favorite books of all time, Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov.
I decided this before I realized that I was reading it at work. I work with small children. I was reading a book about pedophilia. Bad planning. Terrible planning.
My literary interests reflect none of my personal life/views.
Sorry for any potentially awkward misconceptions.

I have a little friend.

Her name is Beans. She talks in her sleep. Most of it is unintelligible. Most but not all. She said something along the lines of whazzupdude and the growled a bit before falling back to sleep.
Something about being awake all night in a room with someone who is asleep makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like being awake is a violation. I don't sit around and watch the person, but I feel like there's something private about sleep, and if it's night, and someones asleep, I damn well should be too, and usually I'm not, which is fine when I'm in a room alone, which I generally am, but I really should sleep more, I realize that more when I'm in a room with someone else, if they're sleeping, I want to be sleeping too, and if they aren't sleeping, which they always are, I'd still like to be sleeping, because I like to sleep, and so does little Beans, she just told me so by making gargling baby noises and flapping her covers around and meowing at me, and she's asleep, and when you're asleep that's an OK response, even if you're 20, even if meowing is not species appropriate, you can get away with it because you're sleeping. I want to sleep. Meowwwwww :(

I have a medical condition

I have a medical condition or 5. I need to see a doctor. I have over 40 mosquito bites. I'm sick.
Shut the fuck up. Stop whining, stop worrying, you're thinking about it so much the baby making juices of your thoughts are going to impregnate you.
And then you'll die from complications from this non existant baby-birth.
Bite that mosquitos.

IAMGOINGTOJUMPOUTAWINDOWSOON

WHYCANTISLEEPITIS5:42AMIKNOWITSAYS2:42AMBUTITISLYINGBECAUSEIAMIN
CANADACANADAISADIFFERENTTIMEZONEIHAVEBEENTRYINGTOSLEEPFORSOSOSO
LONGIHAVEEATENENOUGHTOSATISFY12FAMILIESORMOREITHOUGHTEATINGWOULD
HELPMESLEEPBUTITDIDN'TREALLYHELPATALLREALLYITJUSTMADEMEREALLYREALLYMAD
THATIATESOMUCHANDIAMSTILLUNABLETOSLEEPIHAVETOBEUPIN4HOURSIHAVEA
FLIGHTTOCATCHTOMORROWDOYOUHAVEANYIDEAWHATTHATMEANSTHATMEANS
IAMGOINGTOHAVEAPREFLIGHTCOLLAPSEMEANINGIAMGOINGTOCOLLAPSEPRE
FLIGHTIFIDON'TSLEEPSOONI'MNOTGOINGTOBEABLETONOTPREFLIGHTCOLLAPSE
MYNAMEISPREFLIGHTCOLLAPSEIJUSTWANTTOCOLLAPSEIWANTTOSLEEPSOOOOOO
BAAAADLYYYYYYYYYYYIWANTTOTURNONMYBLOWDRYERFULLVOLUMEBECAUSEIT
SOUNDSLIKEWHITENOISEWHITENOISEHELPSYOUSLEEPDOESN'TITGODIAMSOWHITE
ANDNOISYNOWONDERICAN'TSLEEP

Embarrassing

You know an embarrassing moment has gone too far when you can't think of one person in the world you'd want to tell about it.
Embarrassing moments usually agree with me. A few moments of slight discomfort for years worth of stories agree with me. For the first time I am in disagreement with an embarrassing moment. It's not agreeing with me now, and it's not going to agree with me later, tomorrow, 10 years from now, it's just not going to agree with me, and I don't like that, because this is probably the most ridiculous embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me, meaning it would make a great story, meaning my dignity can handle a lot, and now it has been castrated. Or something of the like.
Now that I've worked it up like this, now would be the perfect climactic moment to tell this embarrassing moment story.

And see, that's exactly why this embarrassing moment doesn't agree with me. Because now it's worked up, rightly so, and I will just never be able to say it. Because I have finally been outdone by embarrassment.
AND BECAUSE OF MY CASTRATED DIGNITY!

Enrich your life with Lykke Li

I'm Good I'm Gone is a good one by her to start with.

I'm sun burnt wicked bad. Being in the sun for 9 hours and being ridiculously white and not wearing sunscreen does that sometimes. I leave on Monday for my trip. My room is gross, probably moldy. I'm in a really bad mood. All of these are non-sequiturs. I just looked up how to spell that word, and it's still telling me I spelled it wrong. I feel like I'm getting dumber in general. Dumber, and more irritated. This is no fun. I should write when I'm ready to be entertaining. Like when I tell the small children to say something nice or say nothing at all.
I'm just saying nothing, so I'll just stop saying nothing.

Eye em zee glutonous peeg.

People tell me I oughta give you a piece of my mind.
Personally I think I've given you enough of me already.

Pushover

You didn't know it but
I gave you a deadline.
I gave you a deadline,
And you missed it.
You missed it,
And you'll never know it even existed.
You'll never know it because,
My deadlines extend as far as you can push them.
Extend my deadline and it becomes a lifeline,
Reaching its hand out to you as far as it can
And then farther still.
Convenient.

Insomnia

According to facebook, insomnia is the new cool malfunction to have. Everyone's statuses now are about how they can't sleep, and how much they hate their terrible, one of a kind, earth shattering 'insomnia.'
Ok. You're probably not actually an insomniac. You probably are just awake. And it's probably just late. And you're awake, and it's late, and you're still probably not an insomniac just because it's late and you're awake.
You're just awake late.
I just said that about 4 times. I don't know if I counted that correctly. Too much work.

I think it's because people find something deep and intellectual and sexy about insomnia.
It's something that makes you seem crazy, but not too crazy; no one wants statuses about how they're feeling slightly schizophrenic with necro-like tendencies. They want something like insomnia: something 'deep', something 'intellectual', and something nearly impossible for the average person to sustain.
That's understandable. It's a little ridiculous. But I'm not one to talk when it comes to trying too hard to appear deep or intellectual. Although, that being said, it seems like i've just talked about it for a good minute now.
It's past my bedtime.
Goodnight =)

Bum

Sometimes I'll laugh about you
Because you're the last thing that was funny.
Sometimes I'll talk about this time, or that time
Because it was the last time I had a time worth telling about.
Sometimes I'll cry about you
Because I'm a pussy.
Sometimes I hate you.
Because you make me suck at poetry.

I really don't like

This bald spot.
It's a tiny perfect circle, 6 inches in right where my part is. It's about .3 centimeters in diameter. I am displeased.

I have

A bald spot.

Picnic

Apparently, people like picnics.
Apparently, when people make picnic plans and other people fuck with their picnic, shit goes down.

I was at work today and no kids showed up. So instead, I was reading that book Speaking With the Angel by Nick Hornby, because apparently for every copy sold of that book one dollar gets contributed to the building of schools for autistic children, which means that I kind of was doing my job, my job is to help kids, that book helps kids, and it's probably better to read a book that implies I am inadvertently helping children and making the world a better place then a book that doesn't, and it happened to be the book I had with me and was in the middle of reading anyway, so I actually didn't plan that one out, at all, but it made me feel better about the fact that I was reading as oppose to doing my job.
ANYWAY.
It's about 12:15 now, and I've been Speaking with the Angel for about an hour and 15 minutes now. I meant to write that I'd been READING Speaking with the Angel for about an hour and 15 minutes, not that I was literally Speaking with the Angel for about an hour and 15 minutes, but I thought it was a worthwhile typo, so I don't really want to change it.
So it's 12:15 and I get a call from one of my...superiors...in the workplace...(she's not my supervisor and she's not my boss, but she makes more money than me and has authority over me so I don't really know what to call her but anyway, she called me.)
"There's a family who paid for and reserved the picnic area for their daughters birthday party, and another family has tried to take over 3 of their tabels and refuses to leave. The birthday party family has a permit with them to prove that they have rights to be there, so if you could kindly ask the other family to leave, that'd be great."
Ok.
So I get off the phone with my workplacesuperior and go outside to these two families fighting. I'm suppossed to break them up.
Hahahahaha.
I'm 5'5 and 133 pounds. I can play with children. I can answer phone calls. I can flush toilets for 4 year olds who say they don't know how. I'm also pretty good with talking to children who don't speak English. We talk through hand gestures. Gargling noises. Paint brushes. Anyway. The point is I don't break up fights.
I get out there and this pregnant lady is yelling at this other lady to get out of their picnic space, she's showing her permit and the family-whos-not-supposed to be there starts yelling back about how they've been there since six-in-the-morning-mother-fucker, and I'm like
"Hi there! My name's Elissa I work for the parks department I was just told by my boss...superviser...uhhh...well neither really she's kind of my--anyway I was told by her that you need to leave because this other family has a permit to be here."
They looked like they were about to laugh. Or punch me potentially.
Then this lady in the-family-who-wasn't-supposed to be there picks up her phone and calls someone.
"EXCUSE ME YES THERE'S A LITTLE RACIST CAUCASION GIRL HERE TRYINA KICK US OUT OF THE PARK COME IMMEDIATELY!"
Unnecessary.
I ran.
The yelling started getting really out of hand, and being a not racist person at all getting accussed of racism really sucked, and regardless of that, these people who weren't supposed to be there who were my responsibilty (haha) to kick off, were still there, my worksuperior person wouldn't pick up the phone, this woman who said I was racist was getting on the phone with the cops, so I ran inside and called them before she could.
I don't. like. cops.
I also don't like calling them.
Basically it was just a really shitty situation.
So these cops come, ask me questions, hours go by, these people won't leave and start a whole scene, start yelling at these cops, come inside and talk to my worksuperiorperson saying they want to take it to court...
IT WAS OVER. A PICNIC.
Apparently there was some talk about me getting beaten up. I am small indeed, and probably not a very satisfying prospect to beat up. Eventually they agreed I think, because I didn't get beat up.
What's funny is after hours and hours of sorting this shit out, both parties ended up continuing on with their picnics.
I would have gone home. And cried.
Seriously. Fuck picnics.

Lame

I'm probably going to end up saying awkwardly personal things in this blog. Actually probably not, they'll probably just be things I write assuming (*insert unfortunate person in said situation*) won't read, because, really, no one reads these things, right? Right, and then said unfortunate person will probably end up reading it, and i'll be like Why, Why did said unfortunate person read this statement, I thought no one read blogs.
And then said person will cause blog to suffer greatly.
i.e... i don't really know what a suffering blog would look like.
These two little girls at work today kept telling me I look like Megan Fox. Then one of them took out her cell phone and started taking pictures of me so she could tell her friends she met Megan Fox. Minutes later another little girl told me I should come join her while she was dancing in the middle of the room to Beyonce. She said it would help me lose weight. In response I told her I was Megan Fox. Megan Fox doesn't need to lose weight.
She laughed.
I proceeded to eat my chocolate frosted cupcake.
To console me, a little 4 year old girl told me to "Fear not, you are a croc-da-dile!"
"A what?"
"A Croc-do-dile!"
"A crocodile?"
"A CROCDODILE"
I told her I was sorry for my mispronunciation. She forgave me.
In theory I probably should have done something like correct her diction, but say the word crocodile. Ok, now say croc-do-dile. She wins.

Indeed

I have begun a blog.
Indeed.